Free Will Would Suck! (My Testimony)

I know I should have started my blog with my testimony, but to be honest I am lazy some days and I just didn't really feel like typing it all out! But here it goes. I used to be really involved in my church, I was a counselor/staff member at our church camp for a couple years. I was in the AWANA program at our church, I went on outreach trips with my church group every Monday and Wednesday, and on Friday's I was involved in a church addiction program. It was a Baptist Church that I had gone to literally since my first Sunday into the world. It wasn't until I talked with somebody from the Church of Christ denomination that I really started worrying about my personal salvation. I was always taught OSAS ( once saved always saved ). When I talked to him however he mentioned striving for our salvation. This worried me because I was living in sin and knew that I should be trying harder to please God (so I thought). So then I started questioning if I was truly saved and/or if I could lose my salvation. This is what really started my anxiety. So the thought came to my mind... "What are the chances that I just happened to be born into the right denomination?" So I started looking into other denominations. They all preached "grace" with their mouths but works with their attitudes. I could never accept that works were a part of salvation so then my problem was faith. I wanted to know ,"How Much Faith Do I Need." When I asked my pastor how much faith I needed, he would just respond, "Just enough." I would then ask, "How much is enough?" No answer he eve gave me was satisfying. So then I had major panic episodes because I was convinced that I would never be able to conjure up enough faith to be saved. It scared me so much that I was admitted to the psychiatric ward for a time. When I acted well enough to get out the ward, things only got worse. I asked my grandpa (who is very religious) how I could know I was saved and if I wasn't saved, what could I do to make sure I was saved. His answer surprised me. He told me that we don't choose God, He chooses us. I used to fight tooth and nail trying to prove that we had "free will". Granted, this was because the first time that I heard that we didn't have free will it was from my grandfather and uncle who are newly reformed baptist, meaning they told me that God chose who would go to heaven and who would go to hell to burn in agony and torment for "eternity". The main reason I fought so hard for "free will" is because I felt angry and offended that someone would be so bold to tell me that our loving God, would purposefully create some of His own children just to stoke the flames of hell! I wanted "free will" to be true so that I had a say in my salvation. I was afraid that if God didn't choose me, I was going to burn "forever". I was absolutely terrified. I had a mental breakdown and a few psychotic episodes. I ended up in a psych ward again, diagnosed with Psychotic Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Breakdown. I was wanting to commit suicide but I was too afraid to because I was convinced that I wasn't chosen and therefore the moment I killed myself I would find myself in never ending torment. I was living a hell on earth but if I killed myself I would be living in another more intense version of hell. I was stuck. So I sat crying in a corner alone in the psych ward banging my head on the wall wishing for unconsciousness. I stayed this way for what seemed like hours until I was brought to my room with a bed. There were no trash bags in the trash cans to prevent suffocation. We had to wear sweat suits with no strings, shoelaces, or belts. To prevent strangulation. It was terrible... I had to fake getting better once again to get out. Once I was out I started my search again. This time I set out to disprove Calvanism, I watched many pro-Arminianist videos, but I still couldn't get over Romans Chapter 9. There was no denying that God was in control of it all. I was terrified to find out that I didn't have a say in my salvation at all! I was fully convinced that God didn't choose me and that I was going to burn in a never ending torment! Then I came across a video on YouTube... It was a video that compared Calvanism to Arminianism. However at the end of the video, there was a surprise. One that changed my life forever. At the end of the video I was introduced to a different view... The view of our apostle Paul. The idea that God is going to save everyone! I didn't believe it! I couldn't! It was too good to be true! So I decided not to think about that as even being possible. But the thought just wouldn't go away! I "stumbled" upon Martin Zender's Crack O' Dawn Reports. (I put stumbled in quotation marks because I know now that God is the cause for everything). I couldn't deny how much sense he made! The video that really changed my life was Faith in Faith vs Faith In Christ. It completely changed my perspective. Martin was the first teacher that changed my life for the better. Now I have Martin, Dan Sheridan, Clyde Pilkington, Waylan Dabbs, and James Flanders as my biggest inspirations in my journey. God put them in my life for this and I can't thank them enough for being God's vessels of honor ( As if they had a choice!) So thank God I don't have free will because if salvation was up to me... well let's be honest, I would never make it!